When to Divorce

Deciding when to divorce is never a decision that is taken lightly. Like other significantly life-altering decisions (such as whether or not to marry, have children, and so on), evaluating the pros and cons of pursuing a legal separation from one’s spouse can easily turn into a protracted and agonizing affair. The fear of making the wrong choice coupled with the dread of what can often be an ugly and unpleasant process might cause unhappy partners to remain together for extended periods of time. Add to these anxieties further concerns about child custody, splitting up the family unit, and disappointing friends and loved ones, and the decision on when to divorce can quickly become one that never truly ends.

In short, for those contemplating a split-up and when to divorce, it can often seem quite a bit easier to remain married than it does to “open up the can of worms” that is divorce. We all know, however, that making life easier today (or this week, month, or year) can frequently make life significantly more difficult in the long run. And, in the long run, being trapped in a miserable, loveless marriage really doesn’t benefit anyone.

Of course, the only individuals truly qualified to determine when to divorce are the married partners themselves. They are, by definition, the only ones with the proper perspective and consideration to do so. However, many couples fail to adequately consider the proper criteria and weigh their evaluations accordingly, or don’t give one another the option to contemplate the decision at all.

Although every situation is different and the causes of divorce are ultimately as varied as the reasons to marry, the general points outlined below serve as excellent tools for common-sense assessment. A broad gage of a marriage’s overall health, the issues highlighted by these points can help determine a way forward, giving couples either the fortitude to remain committed or the courage to pursue a mutually-beneficial legal separation. Individuals finding themselves in one or more of the following situations should seek prompt and effective professional advice.

1. One partner no longer wants to be married

This is a very painful situation that often leaves the non-initiating partner reeling with confusion and shock. However, a spouse’s stated desire to end a marriage does not always resign couples to divorce. A partner not ready to separate will typically fight the notion, and will go to any length to try and salvage the marriage. Sometimes this desire to work on things comes too late for the estranged partner, however it can also be a good wake up call for the troubled marriage.

2. The scars from the marriage are beyond repair

Every long-term relationship is fraught with occasional hardships and misunderstandings. Determining the point at which these various hardships and misunderstandings accumulate to produce a relationship that is irredeemable, however, is often difficult if not impossible to ascertain. Without a dramatic event, such as an extramarital affair, to serve as a definitive impetus to separate, many dissatisfied couples will remain profoundly unhappy in their marriages for the rest of their lives.

3. Endemic lack of trust has become an ongoing issue

When you are constantly looking over your shoulder to catch an unfaithful or otherwise dishonest partner, it may be time to consider a life apart. Likewise, those who simply cannot assuage their spouse’s unfounded suspicions and scurrilous accusations should insist on enrolling in couple’s therapy and/or take the necessary steps to reconfigure the relationship. For partners unwilling to take these steps, see point number four below.

4. Your spouse will not work on the relationship

A marriage is difficult enough when both partners remain committed to doing all they can to support and sustain it. If your spouse refuses to fight for your shared life together using all the tools at hand (therapeutic programs, support groups, self-help, and so on), your troubled marriage has precious little chance of survival. A healthy relationship requires both parties to be 100% committed to making it work.

5. The idea of divorce has become easier to face than the reality of remaining together

Divorce, as we have already established, is a much feared and despised event. Deciding when to divorce can be very scary. If the notion of separating strikes you as clearly preferable to the current day-to-day progression of your marriage, you should certainly take those feelings quite seriously and consider when to divorce.

6. Desire for physical intimacy is a thing of the past

Although many elements contribute to the success or failure of any given marriage, a complete lack of physical desire between partners speaks loudly in determining when to divorce. Spouses that no longer feel attracted to one another have often lost many other connecting bonds as well.

7. Abuse is occurring

There is no justification of when to divorce more urgent and clear-cut than those surrounding instances of abuse. Abuse, however, takes many forms and degrees of seriousness. Physical mistreatment might be quite easy to identify and condemn, but the occurrence of psychological and/or emotional abuse is typically more difficult to ascertain. Regardless, abuse of any type is unacceptable within the confines of a healthy, loving marriage.

8. You no longer share a life and have fully grown apart

People change over the course of a long relationship. The challenge is to evolve and grow together. Couples that no longer feel that they are involved in a shared existence might do well to contemplate a life apart. Many relationship do have an expiration date, and ultimately come to a point where there is nothing left to share.

9. You no longer “like” your spouse as a person

With all the emphasis that marriage places upon words like “love,” “appreciation,” and “devotion,” it becomes easy to forget that one must also simply “like” their partner as an individual. If you no longer enjoy spending the evening with the person to whom you have previously committed the rest of your life, you may be on the road to further (and infinitely more painful) marital complications.