When Marriage Separation is Best

As couples endure long periods of martial strife, thoughts of marriage separation will inevitably arise. A separation is often approached as a temporary “break” used to sort out individual issues and/or gain perspective on a tumultuous relationship. Many couples who choose a marriage separation for a while will, in fact, return to their relationships with minds clearer and emotions more under control. In short, time apart can benefit some struggling relationships greatly.

For others, a period of marriage separation precedes and prepares married couples for their inevitable divorce. Those who attempt to postpone divorce for whatever reason may choose to exist in a state of married separation for considerable lengths of time. Individuals pursuing this course of action should be advised, however, that the date of initial separation will ultimately have an effect upon future divorce proceedings. Significantly influencing important issues such as property division and child custody, the various arrangements put into place over the course of a marriage separation are likely to be used as templates when setting up permanent and legally-binding divorce agreements. The idea that divorce must be approached with extreme gravity but marriage separation can occur and persist with no serious repercussions is utterly false and quite delusional.

With this in mind, any course of action to separate should be undertaken with as much caution and forethought as a decision to divorce. Of course, neither marriage separation nor divorce are matters to be considered lightly. The circumstances surrounding any choice to leave a troubled marriage are typically numerous and complex. So how can one be certain that leaving is the right thing to do?

There are few certainties in life (and even less certainties in affairs of the heart), but by addressing and concentrating upon a few key marital issues, one can go a long way toward determining whether or not a marriage separation is in order. If you find yourself in any of the following situations or scenarios, you should seek professional guidance.

1. When you need space to think and reflect upon things

It is typically difficult to clearly and calmly assess your feelings when in the midst of an unhealthy and often tumultuous relationship. When things are spiraling out of control, all parties involved can benefit from a bit of time and space to “catch their breath” and sort out their conflicted thoughts and emotions.

2. When you can no longer live with your spouse

This point may seem self-evident, but many who feel as though they simply cannot remain under the same roof as their estranged husband or wife continue to do so based on a wide variety of rationalizations. Fears of breaking up households, upsetting family members, and unrealistic fears about divorce, can often keep couples trapped in unhealthy marriages indefinitely and delay a healthy marriage separation.

3. When you know you are being hurtful to your spouse

There is almost always a conscious moment when one partner recognizes that their actions will hurt or harm their spouse. This is a time shift into reverse and take a different road. There are only so many wounds in a marriage that can be healed, and it’s important to recognize that getting out will be better for everyone involved.

4. When you need to get to know yourself better without your spouse

Like many clichés, the time-honored “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse is not entirely without validity. An overwhelming number of martial problems stem from the isolated personal problems of the individuals involved. Furthermore, those trapped in particularly involved or codependent relationships can often feel a profound loss of self that must ultimately be restored. In any event, those experiencing a need to focus upon themselves as individuals and work out private emotional and/or psychological issues can often tackle these tasks more effectively without the day-to-day distractions of a troubled cohabitation.

5. When you need time to determine whether you want to continue being married

Any serious doubts about one’s desire to remain married to one’s spouse should be thoroughly assessed, and this assessment can often be more effectively undertaken during a marriage separation in a separate living environment. The delicate part in these scenarios is remembering that you are focusing on your marital ambivalence. This isn’t a time to be “sleeping around” or seeing “what else is out there”.

6. When you are feeling the urge to cheat on your partner

As basic biological impulses, sexual urges do not always automatically restrict themselves to the confines of a marital relationship. However, as civilized individuals, we have learned to control our base instincts and remain faithfully monogamous. A husband or wife harboring serious thoughts of infidelity is another matter entirely. If you feel as though an affair is either likely or inevitable seek the help of a licensed therapist or other trained professional immediately to avoid unnecessary hurt.

7. When the only way to not fight is to be apart

When time spent together means constant fighting and peace and solace can only be sought alone, the benefits of marriage separation become rapidly apparent. This is often the case with volatile relationships, but it can also happen in marriages that have hit a rock bottom.

8. When you can’t afford to divorce, but want to be out of the marriage

Although many divorces can be relatively inexpensive, complications surrounding issues such as shared businesses, support payments and child custody can easily drive divorce costs to astronomical proportions. Individuals certain about the need to divorce are urged to pursue those ends as soon as financially possible. However, if the expense of a legal separation is prohibitive, a common-law marriage separation is certainly preferable to an ongoing life of misery.

9. When you want to feel free to explore without your spouse

Like sexual urges, the desire to express thoughts and investigate life on one’s own is a perfectly natural part of the human experience. When these feelings begin to drastically outweigh the positive aspects of a supportive and committed relationship, however, the time may come for a marriage separation to strike out independently and embrace existence as a free agent.